neglectful tendencies

I really don't have the commitment to stay on top of a journal everyday of the week. The fact that I even remember it after neglecting it really says something about my personality- at least I'm improving. It's like my daydreams of getting into fantastic shape. These are dreams that are so crystalline and perfect in my mind but never make the synaptic jump to reality. One of these days I say, one of these days.

My last thesis that the days that aren't recorded aren't worth remembering might need to be amended, since a lot has happened since I last recorded anything here. I guess it's not necessarily things that I'd like to remember but they were at least noteworthy.

To begin with, my dad's Colorado story arc is coming to a close and he's moving back to Michigan. He's there now and somehow still living somewhere even though he's locked out of his house as far as I know. He was a little crushed after the attorney general of Michigan extradicted him back here and put him in jail for about 4-5 days. I think it was a semi-positive thing for him, but at this point I've come to terms with the idea that the old Chris no longer exists. This new father is not the same guy I grew up with at all. I don't relate to him, but I can still learn certain things from him. The strangest thing about the whole process is that I can't convince my mom that he's not on drugs because of his strange way of thinking, but rather that he's simply done a complete change.

In other news, the one time mistake I made with Rachel when we were drunk has come back to bite me somehow now as Rachel and Joel got back together. Rachel and I's friendship is essentially being held hostage until I call and apologize to Joel for breaking man-code and allegedly coveting after his girlfriend. It's such a messy situation. Joel thinks I have feelings for Rachel, and it's complex because at one point in time I may have had a puppy crush on her. I have no sexual-emotional feelings for her, but in complete honesty she has a very sexy quality about her that I can't help but be attracted to on some level. I don't find Rachel very physically attractive herself, but something about her is very alluring.

That being said, I completely regret doing anything physical with Rachel when I was drunk and wanted to kill myself the next morning. Obviously I'm only going to explain that last part to Joel. I've already called him 3-4 times without him answering, and he feels like its not his duty to call me back. So until I deal with this, it's going to continue to hang over my head for weeks. On top of all that, school work is crunching up now since midterms are officially here. One down so far, but the hardest ones are still ahead of me, and one is on Friday.

In addition to this, things with Chris have been ridiculous lately as well. Never have I been flaked on so many times in a row. A few weeks ago, he buys us alcohol only to come back later the same night and buy half of it back from us, during Phil's birthday celebration no less. Then, we plan to go Michigan State and he cancels the night before without telling me officially. Then the next weekend rolls around, and he makes plans that prevent us from going to Ann Arbor to visit. Chris has completely changed since I've been at college and all I feel is our friendship getting weaker. There's something about school and ambition that's given him an elitism that I never knew in him before. Frustration abounds here since he's one of my oldest and best friends, but I'm getting sick of being dragged around.

Soon I should be hearing back from instate colleges and I can leave this chapter of my life behind. Despite my general poor mood most of the time around here, I've been surprisingly upbeat lately. Nothing has been happening to brag about, but I feel there might be a light at the end of the tunnel for me. I'm trying to loosen control on things that aren't within my direct grasp and try to focus only on what's in front of me. I've also been doing quite well in school, which also makes me feel great.

Finally, I'll be going to Maine for spring break in just over a week or so. I'm really excited to touchdown again and have some real connection with family before I ascend back up into the stratosphere by myself. There really are few people I can turn to right now, and it seems like every time I turn around another connection is being cut away from me. Through all of this, I have really started to appreciate my friendship with Phil a lot more. The manic energy we have is still there and neither of us has changed in a way that prevents that. I'm going to miss being comfortable with a friend when I leave and go back to Michigan, but maybe it's better that I learn something about how to interact with people. When you can't branch out and build connections with other people, it's best to take time to perfect yourself before trying again. That's been on my mind a lot lately, and hopefully will be put into more active practice soon.