I've been exiled to the lounge because Phil and Lauren are breaking up right now in our room, or at least I would assume as much. This is probably going to have profound effects on our social life although I'm not sure how right now. I'm not even sure they'll actually break up or if this is just a preemptive strike so to speak, because realistically break-up is inevitable in the long run. I give Lauren enough credit not to stick around if she feels unwanted.
In other news I've been feeling unmotivated and down lately, again. I don't know what it is that causes it, must be hormonal swings. I had an idea that had me feeling upbeat and excited for a few days that I would start an online media umbrella organization under which politics and entertainment and everything societal could be discussed online. I kept thinking about the party system and how deceptive it is, and that a real political alternative deserves to be voiced. Sort of a fine tuning of my rant about Rolling Stone getting lazy a few weeks ago. But lately the more I think about it it just seems futile. Hopefully by giving these thoughts words I'm not solidifying them or making them concrete.
I'm still optimistic about living in / being around Ann Arbor much more next year since it really feels like home. Bloomington feels very alien even though I was really excited to come here. I've gotten used to campus and all the different paths to take between classes, but it still lacks familiarity and I feel like a tourist.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
stirrings
I need to take this in a new direction if I want to keep it alive since I don't think the details of my life have enough energy to keep a daily writing regimen fueled. Either that or I don't have the motivation to milk the juice out of my daily life to fuel it. Tonight is one of those weird nights where I'm seized by a bigger idea or wider purpose and I feel compelled to capture it.
I definitely can't sleep. That's partly because I slept until almost 2:00 pm today. Currently in Maine with my grandparents and it's been unusually uneventful considering how jam-packed with activities weeks with my grandparents usually are up here. Went to trivia at a bar with Andrew and got second place, small place with a hodge-podge of working class looking guys and upper class older folk. Regardless, I can't stop thinking about this idea.
Next year is going to mark my return to Ann Arbor regardless of my acceptance at the University of Michigan, although I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for that. I decided that I don't want to go to State because that would be a compromise. I never wanted to go to State in the first place, and I don't want to be a martyr just because I have a bad financial situation. So, if I work like a slave and go to WCC next year so be it, I will be in and around Ann Arbor most of the time.
Ann Arbor is a young town that is really alive with energy, political energy in a way that few towns are in America right now. In the 60s, San Fransisco was a cultural hub but I sense that Ann Arbor might be a new one for this generation. Everything is becoming more and more liberal, there's a store that sells hallucinogenic drugs (albeit legal ones), and streetside protests aren't a thing of the past. If ever there was a subcultural hippie renaissance, it would be in Ann Arbor.
In the context of this cultural frame of mind, I was listening to music and thinking about how important it was in the 60s, as well as how important it was to me. Jake and I's ex-step brother Eric broke his iPod and it was like his life had ended. Some might call that materialism, but they miss the point- Eric needs the music, not the device. I could completely relate. Then I began thinking about what music means today, in this generation.
In the 60s Rolling Stone was started, one of the most influential magazines ever. I have a subscription today, and when I started reading it I was mostly just fascinated by the language the writers employed, and the wide array of musical recommendations it presented. Recently I've began to read Rolling Stone with a more discerning eye, and I'm extremely disheartened by the direction that the magazine is going.
Rolling Stone still employs writers with an uncanny knack for language and twists of phrase, but Rolling Stone as an entity is a bloated, unfocused and often lazy beast. Few issues are examined or clearly presented for readers. Riding on the receding foam of the political wave the magazine created in it's heyday, its writers and editors hide behind a far-left position without doing any real deconstruction of information for its readers. And they've been fellating Barack Obama's administration with every page not dedicated to music.
On the surface, I'm optimistic about Obama, but Rolling Stone's complete acceptance of his word at face value is thoughtless, at best. The government decides to nationalize banks and pours billions upon billions of tax dollars into the economic machine. Following suit, Rolling Stone brings in an army of liberal economists who make incredibly incendiary claims: "Adam Smith's invisible hand is invisible simply because it isn't there."
That's an extremely powerful statement. Rather than explore the implications of it, the writers mention that the economist in question won a Nobel Prize and neatly wrap the subject up. The opinion is handed to the readers on a silver platter. This kind of political discourse is completely killing real ideas and discussions, and keeps herding mindless American citizens into their partisan pens. I, for one, would like to see some evidence to back up some of these claims.
Everyday I become more and more of a conspiracy theorist. Obama is young, charismatic, and intelligent. He's relatable and he's a shrewd politician, but he's still a politician. McCain and Obama are both in government, and both made sacrifices to get where they got. Obama got farther, so chances are he made even more.
People forget about Obama's complete lack of effort to crank back government phone-tapping legislation. More examples are out there but the point is this: Obama is no longer a man, he is part of a political machine. This machine has trappings and machinations that existed before Obama, which he has inherited. Obama now serves hundreds of men behind a curtain, and many of these men are wealthy.
The more I turn the thought over in my mind, the more the need for a real cultural watchdog seems to arise. Somebody with drive needs to take to the streets, find kids who are disillusioned and interested in music, culture, and the world that they stand to inherit one day. Start spreading the word to the people again, go back to old forms of true patriotism.
Young generations aren't supposed to file silently into the future, placidly accepting government growth and privacy invasion that would make George Orwell turn over in his grave. We should be resisting the PATRIOT Act with every bone in our bodies. We should be profoundly disturbed by the notion that the government thinks that implanting microchips in people's arms to keep track of them at all times is a good idea.
Images keep flashing through my mind of a few kids in a cheap car, blasting loud music through the intersections in Ann Arbor, throwing handfuls of purple fliers out the windows. Passersby stop with interest and read the leaflets being dropped. They announce that a new publication will be taking sharp interest in music and politics again, a serious look at the forces behind our world that are shaping it outside of our control.
Nothing has changed since the 1960s except that the youth is better equipped than ever to spread their points of view and implement change. What has changed is that we are numb and indifferent to the world, and that is something that has to change from within. All it takes is one spark to start a fire, and more and more I sense that this spark might be on the horizon. Since nobody else is taking the step forward, more and more I wonder if I should try to ignite something myself.
I definitely can't sleep. That's partly because I slept until almost 2:00 pm today. Currently in Maine with my grandparents and it's been unusually uneventful considering how jam-packed with activities weeks with my grandparents usually are up here. Went to trivia at a bar with Andrew and got second place, small place with a hodge-podge of working class looking guys and upper class older folk. Regardless, I can't stop thinking about this idea.
Next year is going to mark my return to Ann Arbor regardless of my acceptance at the University of Michigan, although I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for that. I decided that I don't want to go to State because that would be a compromise. I never wanted to go to State in the first place, and I don't want to be a martyr just because I have a bad financial situation. So, if I work like a slave and go to WCC next year so be it, I will be in and around Ann Arbor most of the time.
Ann Arbor is a young town that is really alive with energy, political energy in a way that few towns are in America right now. In the 60s, San Fransisco was a cultural hub but I sense that Ann Arbor might be a new one for this generation. Everything is becoming more and more liberal, there's a store that sells hallucinogenic drugs (albeit legal ones), and streetside protests aren't a thing of the past. If ever there was a subcultural hippie renaissance, it would be in Ann Arbor.
In the context of this cultural frame of mind, I was listening to music and thinking about how important it was in the 60s, as well as how important it was to me. Jake and I's ex-step brother Eric broke his iPod and it was like his life had ended. Some might call that materialism, but they miss the point- Eric needs the music, not the device. I could completely relate. Then I began thinking about what music means today, in this generation.
In the 60s Rolling Stone was started, one of the most influential magazines ever. I have a subscription today, and when I started reading it I was mostly just fascinated by the language the writers employed, and the wide array of musical recommendations it presented. Recently I've began to read Rolling Stone with a more discerning eye, and I'm extremely disheartened by the direction that the magazine is going.
Rolling Stone still employs writers with an uncanny knack for language and twists of phrase, but Rolling Stone as an entity is a bloated, unfocused and often lazy beast. Few issues are examined or clearly presented for readers. Riding on the receding foam of the political wave the magazine created in it's heyday, its writers and editors hide behind a far-left position without doing any real deconstruction of information for its readers. And they've been fellating Barack Obama's administration with every page not dedicated to music.
On the surface, I'm optimistic about Obama, but Rolling Stone's complete acceptance of his word at face value is thoughtless, at best. The government decides to nationalize banks and pours billions upon billions of tax dollars into the economic machine. Following suit, Rolling Stone brings in an army of liberal economists who make incredibly incendiary claims: "Adam Smith's invisible hand is invisible simply because it isn't there."
That's an extremely powerful statement. Rather than explore the implications of it, the writers mention that the economist in question won a Nobel Prize and neatly wrap the subject up. The opinion is handed to the readers on a silver platter. This kind of political discourse is completely killing real ideas and discussions, and keeps herding mindless American citizens into their partisan pens. I, for one, would like to see some evidence to back up some of these claims.
Everyday I become more and more of a conspiracy theorist. Obama is young, charismatic, and intelligent. He's relatable and he's a shrewd politician, but he's still a politician. McCain and Obama are both in government, and both made sacrifices to get where they got. Obama got farther, so chances are he made even more.
People forget about Obama's complete lack of effort to crank back government phone-tapping legislation. More examples are out there but the point is this: Obama is no longer a man, he is part of a political machine. This machine has trappings and machinations that existed before Obama, which he has inherited. Obama now serves hundreds of men behind a curtain, and many of these men are wealthy.
The more I turn the thought over in my mind, the more the need for a real cultural watchdog seems to arise. Somebody with drive needs to take to the streets, find kids who are disillusioned and interested in music, culture, and the world that they stand to inherit one day. Start spreading the word to the people again, go back to old forms of true patriotism.
Young generations aren't supposed to file silently into the future, placidly accepting government growth and privacy invasion that would make George Orwell turn over in his grave. We should be resisting the PATRIOT Act with every bone in our bodies. We should be profoundly disturbed by the notion that the government thinks that implanting microchips in people's arms to keep track of them at all times is a good idea.
Images keep flashing through my mind of a few kids in a cheap car, blasting loud music through the intersections in Ann Arbor, throwing handfuls of purple fliers out the windows. Passersby stop with interest and read the leaflets being dropped. They announce that a new publication will be taking sharp interest in music and politics again, a serious look at the forces behind our world that are shaping it outside of our control.
Nothing has changed since the 1960s except that the youth is better equipped than ever to spread their points of view and implement change. What has changed is that we are numb and indifferent to the world, and that is something that has to change from within. All it takes is one spark to start a fire, and more and more I sense that this spark might be on the horizon. Since nobody else is taking the step forward, more and more I wonder if I should try to ignite something myself.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
unnecessary mistruths
I've been neglecting this lately but tonight I do feel fairly compelled to write another entry. Tonight was a typical college drinking night, and on the walk home things got philosophical as they often do when alcohol is involved. Phil, Lauren, and I were all discussing the moral aspects of homosexuality. Phil stood behind the bible and I felt pretty divided.
It got me thinking about Gnosticism, and whose hands the world is truly in. The Bible has certain aspects in it that are poignant, but by and large my opinion is that the bible was a document written by a bunch of old, unsophisticated white men who were intolerant of most things accepted today as social norms. The bible (and Phil's argument) was that homosexuals were an aberrant mutation of the human standard, and that being attracted to members of the same sex was a complete choice. I disagree.
There is no choice involved in my attraction to women, and to suggest that people deviating from the norm do have a choice is ridiculous. Attraction and love isn't a choice, it's an emotion that overcomes people. Phil tried to claim that murder wasn't pre-disposed, murder was a choice the same as homosexuality was. This is incorrect. Serial killers have been found to have genetic and environmental similarities meaning that the choice is not entirely free.
This string of thought got me thinking about evil in the world, and the biggest, most fundamental question about morality I had even as a child. If God was in control of everthing, why did he create a system of morality at all? All the system does is evaluate which followers of his are worthy enough to join him in heaven, which seems ridiculous to me.
In a contrary viewpoint, I don't think God released his system of morality as a list of 10 doctrines set in stone. God is a reasonable, empathetic being which means that he understands people. I disbelieve that the concept of Satan has any power over the human race, since what could defy the will of God? If God wanted everyone to be in heaven with him, it would be so. I'm pretty sure God does want this, which has forced me to revise my religious thoughts.
I believe in a God or creator, but I won't limit him or her to a gender or simple role in a preestablished religions like Christianity or Islam. God is so much more than that. God is both existant everywhere and nowhere, since I think we are God's tools and appendages. We can easily find God in ourselves if we try.
I don't accept that a document riddled with loopholes, prejudice and hatred is an infallible, holy text. I do believe that myths and legends have emotional and moral weight, which means that most religions do have something to bring to the table. The fact of the matter is that nobody can know what lies after death, and pretending to have faith and be sure in a code of morality is absurd.
I believe the ideas that I've stated, that God exists both everywhere and nowhere as a singular creation, and that morality is a much more grey idea than any holy text states. I hope to educate people about this, but it's difficult to shake old systems of control. For a while, I thought the bible was a necessary evil to keep people in line, but now I realize that its completely unnecessary.
It got me thinking about Gnosticism, and whose hands the world is truly in. The Bible has certain aspects in it that are poignant, but by and large my opinion is that the bible was a document written by a bunch of old, unsophisticated white men who were intolerant of most things accepted today as social norms. The bible (and Phil's argument) was that homosexuals were an aberrant mutation of the human standard, and that being attracted to members of the same sex was a complete choice. I disagree.
There is no choice involved in my attraction to women, and to suggest that people deviating from the norm do have a choice is ridiculous. Attraction and love isn't a choice, it's an emotion that overcomes people. Phil tried to claim that murder wasn't pre-disposed, murder was a choice the same as homosexuality was. This is incorrect. Serial killers have been found to have genetic and environmental similarities meaning that the choice is not entirely free.
This string of thought got me thinking about evil in the world, and the biggest, most fundamental question about morality I had even as a child. If God was in control of everthing, why did he create a system of morality at all? All the system does is evaluate which followers of his are worthy enough to join him in heaven, which seems ridiculous to me.
In a contrary viewpoint, I don't think God released his system of morality as a list of 10 doctrines set in stone. God is a reasonable, empathetic being which means that he understands people. I disbelieve that the concept of Satan has any power over the human race, since what could defy the will of God? If God wanted everyone to be in heaven with him, it would be so. I'm pretty sure God does want this, which has forced me to revise my religious thoughts.
I believe in a God or creator, but I won't limit him or her to a gender or simple role in a preestablished religions like Christianity or Islam. God is so much more than that. God is both existant everywhere and nowhere, since I think we are God's tools and appendages. We can easily find God in ourselves if we try.
I don't accept that a document riddled with loopholes, prejudice and hatred is an infallible, holy text. I do believe that myths and legends have emotional and moral weight, which means that most religions do have something to bring to the table. The fact of the matter is that nobody can know what lies after death, and pretending to have faith and be sure in a code of morality is absurd.
I believe the ideas that I've stated, that God exists both everywhere and nowhere as a singular creation, and that morality is a much more grey idea than any holy text states. I hope to educate people about this, but it's difficult to shake old systems of control. For a while, I thought the bible was a necessary evil to keep people in line, but now I realize that its completely unnecessary.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
neglectful tendencies
I really don't have the commitment to stay on top of a journal everyday of the week. The fact that I even remember it after neglecting it really says something about my personality- at least I'm improving. It's like my daydreams of getting into fantastic shape. These are dreams that are so crystalline and perfect in my mind but never make the synaptic jump to reality. One of these days I say, one of these days.
My last thesis that the days that aren't recorded aren't worth remembering might need to be amended, since a lot has happened since I last recorded anything here. I guess it's not necessarily things that I'd like to remember but they were at least noteworthy.
To begin with, my dad's Colorado story arc is coming to a close and he's moving back to Michigan. He's there now and somehow still living somewhere even though he's locked out of his house as far as I know. He was a little crushed after the attorney general of Michigan extradicted him back here and put him in jail for about 4-5 days. I think it was a semi-positive thing for him, but at this point I've come to terms with the idea that the old Chris no longer exists. This new father is not the same guy I grew up with at all. I don't relate to him, but I can still learn certain things from him. The strangest thing about the whole process is that I can't convince my mom that he's not on drugs because of his strange way of thinking, but rather that he's simply done a complete change.
In other news, the one time mistake I made with Rachel when we were drunk has come back to bite me somehow now as Rachel and Joel got back together. Rachel and I's friendship is essentially being held hostage until I call and apologize to Joel for breaking man-code and allegedly coveting after his girlfriend. It's such a messy situation. Joel thinks I have feelings for Rachel, and it's complex because at one point in time I may have had a puppy crush on her. I have no sexual-emotional feelings for her, but in complete honesty she has a very sexy quality about her that I can't help but be attracted to on some level. I don't find Rachel very physically attractive herself, but something about her is very alluring.
That being said, I completely regret doing anything physical with Rachel when I was drunk and wanted to kill myself the next morning. Obviously I'm only going to explain that last part to Joel. I've already called him 3-4 times without him answering, and he feels like its not his duty to call me back. So until I deal with this, it's going to continue to hang over my head for weeks. On top of all that, school work is crunching up now since midterms are officially here. One down so far, but the hardest ones are still ahead of me, and one is on Friday.
In addition to this, things with Chris have been ridiculous lately as well. Never have I been flaked on so many times in a row. A few weeks ago, he buys us alcohol only to come back later the same night and buy half of it back from us, during Phil's birthday celebration no less. Then, we plan to go Michigan State and he cancels the night before without telling me officially. Then the next weekend rolls around, and he makes plans that prevent us from going to Ann Arbor to visit. Chris has completely changed since I've been at college and all I feel is our friendship getting weaker. There's something about school and ambition that's given him an elitism that I never knew in him before. Frustration abounds here since he's one of my oldest and best friends, but I'm getting sick of being dragged around.
Soon I should be hearing back from instate colleges and I can leave this chapter of my life behind. Despite my general poor mood most of the time around here, I've been surprisingly upbeat lately. Nothing has been happening to brag about, but I feel there might be a light at the end of the tunnel for me. I'm trying to loosen control on things that aren't within my direct grasp and try to focus only on what's in front of me. I've also been doing quite well in school, which also makes me feel great.
Finally, I'll be going to Maine for spring break in just over a week or so. I'm really excited to touchdown again and have some real connection with family before I ascend back up into the stratosphere by myself. There really are few people I can turn to right now, and it seems like every time I turn around another connection is being cut away from me. Through all of this, I have really started to appreciate my friendship with Phil a lot more. The manic energy we have is still there and neither of us has changed in a way that prevents that. I'm going to miss being comfortable with a friend when I leave and go back to Michigan, but maybe it's better that I learn something about how to interact with people. When you can't branch out and build connections with other people, it's best to take time to perfect yourself before trying again. That's been on my mind a lot lately, and hopefully will be put into more active practice soon.
My last thesis that the days that aren't recorded aren't worth remembering might need to be amended, since a lot has happened since I last recorded anything here. I guess it's not necessarily things that I'd like to remember but they were at least noteworthy.
To begin with, my dad's Colorado story arc is coming to a close and he's moving back to Michigan. He's there now and somehow still living somewhere even though he's locked out of his house as far as I know. He was a little crushed after the attorney general of Michigan extradicted him back here and put him in jail for about 4-5 days. I think it was a semi-positive thing for him, but at this point I've come to terms with the idea that the old Chris no longer exists. This new father is not the same guy I grew up with at all. I don't relate to him, but I can still learn certain things from him. The strangest thing about the whole process is that I can't convince my mom that he's not on drugs because of his strange way of thinking, but rather that he's simply done a complete change.
In other news, the one time mistake I made with Rachel when we were drunk has come back to bite me somehow now as Rachel and Joel got back together. Rachel and I's friendship is essentially being held hostage until I call and apologize to Joel for breaking man-code and allegedly coveting after his girlfriend. It's such a messy situation. Joel thinks I have feelings for Rachel, and it's complex because at one point in time I may have had a puppy crush on her. I have no sexual-emotional feelings for her, but in complete honesty she has a very sexy quality about her that I can't help but be attracted to on some level. I don't find Rachel very physically attractive herself, but something about her is very alluring.
That being said, I completely regret doing anything physical with Rachel when I was drunk and wanted to kill myself the next morning. Obviously I'm only going to explain that last part to Joel. I've already called him 3-4 times without him answering, and he feels like its not his duty to call me back. So until I deal with this, it's going to continue to hang over my head for weeks. On top of all that, school work is crunching up now since midterms are officially here. One down so far, but the hardest ones are still ahead of me, and one is on Friday.
In addition to this, things with Chris have been ridiculous lately as well. Never have I been flaked on so many times in a row. A few weeks ago, he buys us alcohol only to come back later the same night and buy half of it back from us, during Phil's birthday celebration no less. Then, we plan to go Michigan State and he cancels the night before without telling me officially. Then the next weekend rolls around, and he makes plans that prevent us from going to Ann Arbor to visit. Chris has completely changed since I've been at college and all I feel is our friendship getting weaker. There's something about school and ambition that's given him an elitism that I never knew in him before. Frustration abounds here since he's one of my oldest and best friends, but I'm getting sick of being dragged around.
Soon I should be hearing back from instate colleges and I can leave this chapter of my life behind. Despite my general poor mood most of the time around here, I've been surprisingly upbeat lately. Nothing has been happening to brag about, but I feel there might be a light at the end of the tunnel for me. I'm trying to loosen control on things that aren't within my direct grasp and try to focus only on what's in front of me. I've also been doing quite well in school, which also makes me feel great.
Finally, I'll be going to Maine for spring break in just over a week or so. I'm really excited to touchdown again and have some real connection with family before I ascend back up into the stratosphere by myself. There really are few people I can turn to right now, and it seems like every time I turn around another connection is being cut away from me. Through all of this, I have really started to appreciate my friendship with Phil a lot more. The manic energy we have is still there and neither of us has changed in a way that prevents that. I'm going to miss being comfortable with a friend when I leave and go back to Michigan, but maybe it's better that I learn something about how to interact with people. When you can't branch out and build connections with other people, it's best to take time to perfect yourself before trying again. That's been on my mind a lot lately, and hopefully will be put into more active practice soon.
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