tired, stressed

Michigan is getting close enough to taste and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I get in. I had a great conversation with Vu today at the expense of studying seriously for my Econ exam tomorrow. I guess Peter Olson might call that my opportunity cost- HILARIOUS.

Reading about auteur theory for film class, something I educated myself about a long time ago and a theory I hold close to my own heart. Everything here feels so recycled lately and my heart is just rushing at the possibility of release or a way out of here. The thrill is gone now, and I need to resituate myself.

I know there's a higher power up there, call it God or whatever you want to. What I don't know is how much influence he or she has on my life directly, but I'm willing that power with every fiber of my spiritual being to open some doors for me. Every part of my life is vibrating pretty violently right now and I need things to clamp down into place, at least some number of them.

I used to be such an old hand and picking up starting over but I lost the skill. I'm not so sure I want to keep doing that anymore. I've got friends at Michigan, a wide network of people who I like and have truly grown to care about. All of those people have friends who I'm sure I'd be able to make friends with. I've been there and done that when it comes to scrapping years of relationships and starting over clean. I was finally in a groove in high school and it was time to move again. Maybe if I can get back in that groove I can find myself again.

I'm not supposed to get my hopes up, but I am. I'm hoping with everything in me that something or somebody can feel how bad I want this. I'm rehashing but that's the pattern of my life it seems- everything is a rehash to some degree or another anyway.