sedation

I've noticed that when your mind is under the influence of drugs, it's hard to think about the big picture. All I can do is think about the here and now. I'll start by saying I went out to a party with Scott tonight.

On the way there we talked a bit about Indiana, school, and life in general. I never thought I'd have as much in common with someone so different from me. We got to the party and started drinking some extremely flat beer. Max from our floor came up to us and told us there was a better mix we should be drinking: Kool Aid and Xanax. I had a few cups and now I'm feeling appropriately bludgeoned down by the synergy of the alcohol and pharmaceuticals.

I left Scott at the party because I wasn't feeling the scene. I find that whenever I approach the edge of the social cliff with drugs and or alcohol I end up retreating. One solution is more drugs/ alcohol, but I don't think all the psychoactive chemicals in the world could take me out of my own mind. What I really need is some therapy.

More and more I'm beginning to question whether the partying scene is for me. After a while I start to see my self-laceration more clearly; I've been theorizing about self-laceration lately. It's a pretty natural human action, but I think it's a way of coping with the dark corner of ourselves that we can see plainly in the dark but never in the light of day. I can drown my fears with booze or whatever else, but nothing can mask the deep roots that create the need to drown them.

I'm moving in a slow-motion train of consciousness right now where I can't remember what I've written before, but the underlying theme is staying with me. I'm sleepy now, so I'll stop this soon. I'm listening to Radiohead right now, and it's absolutely transcendent.

More and more I'm beginning to feel as though transferring into Michigan is my only hope for redemption. I want to be surrounded by real things, real people and smart people with ideas. Here everyone is cold and distant and more often than not I feel alone. I feel warm and sleepy right now but these things never last.

I want to meet girls, sure, but I want to do it on my own terms, not in a fleeting moment of heightened awareness (or lowered, depending on the drug). I would like to be able to walk up to women I found attractive and engage them in conversation. I know I have something worth giving, but then again I don't find anything in myself worth liking. There are people at Michigan who love and care about me though, and maybe having some real human relationships would do me good.

There's not much worse than feeling like you're fading out. I feel like that's something I've been doing since I emerged from the womb.