It's Friday night and I should be doing something but instead I'm sitting up late again. My feelings haven't changed too much and I feel weird chronicling my every waking moment and thought even though I guess one of these days something interesting is bound to happen to me. The law of averages would say so at least.
Finally saw "The Wrestler" today. I'm not sure what to make of it so far which is an open-minded way of saying I was a little disappointed. I think depression comes from dullness and lackluster experience. So I'm not depressed yet officially but it's definitely in the mail. This is an ongoing process- I'm tracing my feelings back in my mind and I'm starting to see the cyclical pattern going on here.
The movie didn't offer much in the way of a ray of light at the end. Rourke's character was condemned by Aronofsky as fuck up with no hope of redemption, and so he decides to go out in a blaze of glory by returning to the ring for one more match where he's doomed to have a heart attack. At the end he does what he wanted to do, but only because he can't survive in the real world, so in essence his whole life is compromised.
Lately when I look back at who I was as a kid I like myself a lot more than I do now. Somewhere along the line I lost myself. Now I feel like I'm just holding the steering wheel while I wait for the real driver to get situated and take the wheel again. It's like I'm occupying my body in place of an essence or spirit that has other things to do and needs me to take care of its body while it's gone. Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe that's where depression comes from- you realize that you do have a purpose, but it's not an important one. I guess we're supposed to create our own purpose, but I can't think of anything that's worth doing lately.
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